Friday, January 3, 2014
I wrote this at the beginning of December, but didn't post it for the same reason I always remove negative posts- I want to be known as Happy NESS not sad ness... But as I reread it, I felt like sharing. I am an open book, but I try to chose wisely who I show my weakness to. But at the end of the day I'd rather maybe have the chance to inspire even one person who's having a sad day. Like the countless blog goddesses that inspire me daily have done for me.....
As much as I try to formulate my own happiness by following my bliss, I seem to be carrying a heavy heart lately despite all the holiday cheer surrounding me. All the yoga, clean eating, job loving and general life amazingness is failing to stop the loneliness consuming my smile these past few weeks.
I know this happens every year during the winter, no matter how much I LOVE winter. I take my vitamin D, I work out even more than in the summer. I stay away from partying and get lots of sleep. Yet somehow, the inky darkness of despair still stains the edges my bright and sunny day. I am having trouble admitting defeat. I am better than this. I can beat this. And I do, for long moments of joy and contentment. But that deep pit in my stomach is still there luring me like a siren into wallowing. Over the years I have gotten pretty good at distracting myself from the gloom with cheerful optimism and my favourite things (I simply remember my favourite things and then I don't feel so bad!). And with my daughter in my life, it's easy to be happy and fulfilled. She is my most favourite thing. But there STILL is this part of me that is just for no reason...sad. It's the curse of being compassionate and empathetic. Too passionate and soft hearted to the point of absorbing the worries and pain of the world. Easy to tears. Heart strings open for the plucking.
I try to not get too personal on the internet. I despise airing my dirty laundry in public. I believe in spreading positivity and light; the world has enough darkness. But there's something darkly inspiring about melancholy that lets the word pour out. And honestly sometimes I just want to tell someone.